if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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