What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
