last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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