Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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