Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
