I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
