i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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