PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
