Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
