ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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