She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize