So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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