You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
