It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
