when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
