don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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