You're my little dorito
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
