this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
