I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
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Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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