good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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