dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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