she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
