Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
