ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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