dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
whose parrot is this?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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