Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
