Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
