I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
