Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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