Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
