Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
