Will you blow on my dice?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
