herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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