If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
