I need to stop coming to work sober
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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