Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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