My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
