I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was confusing and full of hummus
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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