The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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