Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
