Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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