my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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