after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
