Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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