um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
