six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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