I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
