I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
