in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
