my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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