Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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