if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
