Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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