Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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