there's paper in my vomit.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
