so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
