I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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