You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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