so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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