If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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